SENIOR 2 SENIOR
 "ACCESSING THE WISDOM OF THE AGES"
I have been told laughter is the best medicine. I hope so or we've just wasted more electronic real estate on yet another page.
 

  Senior citizens' resources

Jokes are like food. Some spicy, some not.

Spicy is mild, medium or hot. The jokes on this page will never be hot.

Not because we are prudes but there are too many sites with such humor for me to try to compete against.

Thess pages are a result of the humor remedy mentioned in the manual. Hopefully, you'll get a chcukle or two and pass along these pages to your friends.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. A cat shows up.

St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."

St Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat.

"Well, Cat ... Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say ... that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"
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1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 
 
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
 
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
 
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
 
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
 
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
 
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
 
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
 
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
 
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
 
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
 
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
 
13. Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
 
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
 
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
 
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
 
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
 
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
 
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy


OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to use the bathroom!


Thoughts for the weekend:

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


But Most Of All, Remember ...

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Ponderisms:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
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On their way to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter.

While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work out," they wonder. "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong," exclaims the frightened couple.

"Good Grief," St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
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A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball."

He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

 


 


 

1. The


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