SENIOR 2 SENIOR
 "ACCESSING THE WISDOM OF THE AGES"
I have been told laughter is the best medicine. I hope so or we've just wasted some electronic real estate on one more page.
 

  

Jokes are like food. Some spicy, some not.

Spicy is mild, medium or hot. The jokes on this page will never be hot.

Not because we are prudes but there are too many sites with such humor for me to try to compete against.

Thess pages are a result of the humor remedy mentioned in the manual. Hopefully, you'll get a chcukle or two and pass along these pages to your friends.

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Getting Old

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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DON'T MESS WITH GRANDMA

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.  She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her
voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!  Get
out of the car!"  The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got
out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She
was so shaken  that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried
and tried, and  then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station.  The sergeant to whom she told the story could not stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, white hair and carrying a large handgun.  No
charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment,
MAKE IT A MEMORABLE ONE 
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A guy is driving around Nevada and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."  "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.  "Ten dollars," the owner answers. 

The guy says, "ten dollars?" "This dog is amazing, why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar, he never did any of that stuff!"
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It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what are the criteria that define a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. We offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."

OK, here's your test: (Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before taking the test.)

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket because it's larger than the spoon."

"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
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TO BE 6 AGAIN
            
A man was  sitting on the edge of the  bed, observing his  wife turning back and forth,  looking at herself in the  mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what  she'd like to have for her  birthday.  I'd like to  be six again, she replied, still looking  in the mirror.
      
On the morning of her birthday, he  arose early, made  her a nice big bowl of  Lucky Charms, and then took her to  Six Flags theme  park. What a day ! He put her on  every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller  Coaster...everything  there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal  with extra fries  and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and  her favorite candy, M&M's.  What a fabulous adventure!
       
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed  exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a  big smile and lovingly asked, "Well  Dear, what was it  like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
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